Halloween is coming up fast, and we’ve got some dirty and inappropriate jokes to help get you in the mood.
We’ve compiled a list of our favorites from years past, and we’ve added some new ones just for fun. Enjoy!
You might also enjoy reading:
- 100+ Funny Halloween Knock Knock Jokes
- 130+ Halloween Would You Rather Questions
- 90+ College Halloween Costumes (Cute, Easy & Cheap!)
- 30+ Ghoulish Halloween Party Games For Tweens & Teens
Dirty Halloween Jokes
Q: When the witch and warlock started kissing, what did Dracula say?
A: Get a broom!
Q: How is broccoli different from boogers?
A: Kids won’t eat broccoli.
Q: Why do witches wear no panties?
A: To get a better grip on the broom.
Q: The devil has something between his legs. What is it?
A: Great balls of fire.
Q: How do you know you’re too old to be trick or treating?
A: When you have to ask a kid to chew the candy for you.
Q: What is the best way to make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
Q: What do you call a ghost’s erection?
A: A boooner!
Q: When the skeleton whispered to his wife, what did he say?
A: I love every bone in your body.
Q: What did the witch say to the vampire?
A: If you like my pumpkins, you should taste my pie.
Q: Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?
A: Because they always taste like sheet.
Q: Why wouldn’t the ghosts laugh at Dracula’s jokes?
A: Because they all sucked.
Q: How do skeletons have sex?
A: They bone all night long.
Q: Pumpkins enjoy what kind of romance?
A: A mushy romance.
Q: How often do lesbian vampires get together?
A: Periodically. Typically only once a month.
Q: Is there a type of woman that zombies prefer?
A: Zombies prefer any old girl they can dig up.
Q: What makes ghosts incapable of having kids?
A: Because they have Hallow-Weenies.
Q: What is a word that begins with the letter “F” and ends with the letter “UCK”?
Q: The word begins with the letter “P” and ends with the letter “ORN”. What is it?
Q: What is life like when you’re toilet paper?
A: Either you’re on a roll, or you’re taking s*** from someone.
Q: Why are boy ghosts attracted to girl ghosts?
A: Because they love their Boo-bies.
Q: When you say boo to a ghost, what happens?
A: He gets SHEET scared!
Q: The vampire said something to the teacher. What was it?
A: See you next period.
Q: After drinking blood from a bodybuilder, what did the vampire say?
A: Whoa, that was strong!
Q: What is that one thing you can’t give the headless horseman?
A: A headache.
Q. What do condoms and coffins have in common?
A. They’re both full of stiffs.
Q: When a skeleton is discovered in a closet, what do you call it?
A: The champion of last year’s Hide & Seek.
Q: What is the best way to tease a stupid skeleton?
A: Call him a bonehead.
Q: The vampire ate magic beans and had magic farts. When the witch walked into the room, what did she say?
A: It spells in here.
Q: What is the best way to make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.
Q: Why do witches loathe hanging out with the headless horseman?
A: Because he’s obsessed with getting head.
Q: Whenever jack-o-lanterns appear in pumpkin carvings, why are they always smiling?
A: Their brains were scooped out of their head.
Q: When a monster poisons cornflakes, what do you call him?
A: A cereal killer.
Q: What’s in a ghost’s nose?
Q: Why don’t mummies have friends?
A: Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
Q: What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
A: Paranormal entitties.
Q: Why are vampires such bad artists?
A: Because they always want to draw blood.
Q: When a zombie bites a ghost, what does it get?
A: A mouthful of sheet.
Q: Is there a reason why zombies don’t eat comedians?
A: They taste funny.
Q: Why don’t vampires like mosquitos?
A: Tough competition.
Q: Why was the vampire in a bad mood?
A: Too much B negative.
Q: What do you call a Halloween boner?
A: Petrified wood.
Q: Dracula’s money is kept where?
A: The blood bank.
Q: What is an obese pumpkin called?
A: A plumpkin.
Q: How do you know that you’re a redneck?
A: When your Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife!
Dirty Halloween Jokes One Liners
Here are some dirty Halloween one-liner jokes and pick-up lines that are short, sweet, and hilarious. They’re sure to get a reaction!
When Michael Myers tells a joke…. it kills!
Yo mama’s so ugly, when she walks down the street, people say, “Wow, is it Halloween already?
Yo mama’s so ugly, she gives Freddy Krueger nightmares!
Yo mama’s so ugly, she scared a black cat white!
Don’t worry, the zombies are looking for brains. So you’re safe!
My favorite thing to do on Halloween is walk through the burns unit at the hospital and congratulate everyone on their Freddy Kruger costumes.
Are you a girl or a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
Is that some candy in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Are you a monster? Because you look Frankenfine.
Forget your broom! Do you want to ride me instead?
I don’t know what the trick is because you certainly look like a treat!
There is only one Halloween candy I am interested in, and it swings from a pole and has daddy issues.
Hey girls, you want to see my Halloweewee?
Even though I’m not a ghost, I can make you scream every night.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Ghosts don’t get drunk, they get sheet-faced.
Trick-or-treating was fun, but I didn’t get any candy. Would you mind if I had you instead?
Coming up with a Halloween costume is like getting an Internet Domain name. The ones I like are already taken.
It may be Halloween, but I’d rattle your bone any day of the year.
Are you a ghost? Because I think you should be my boo.
I put the BOO in booty.
I dressed up as a ghost…wanna get under the sheets?
Your grave or mine?
Dirty Ghost Jokes
A couple more dirty jokes about ghosts below.
Q: What was the ghost’s way of saying goodbye to the vampire?
A: So long, sucker!
Q: Why do French ghosts smell so bad?
A: Zay are, ow you say, “covered in sheet.”
Q: Why do Halloween ghosts moan, shake and shiver?
A: Because of the action under the sheet.
Q: Why can’t the boy ghost have children?
A: Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite place to hang out?
A: Somewhere they can get booo-ze.
Q: Ice cream sundaes for ghosts are topped with what?
A: Whipped scream.
Q: When a ghost is hungry, what does he do?
A: He goes ghost-ry shopping.
Q: What is a ghost’s favorite crime show?
A: America’s Most Haunted.
Q: What are the ghosts’ favorite airlines?
A: British Scareways.
Q: What’s a ghost favorite game?
Q: Why did the ghosts put a fence around the cemetery?
A: Because people were dying to get in!
Dirty Halloween Puns
I hope you enjoy these dirty and inappropriate Halloween puns.
Q: What is the headless horseman’s main goal?
A: To get ahead in life.
Q: What is Dracula’s pornstar name?
A: Vlad the Impaler.
Q: Can you name the best skeleton detective in the world?
A: Sherlock Bones.
Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A: A stake sandwich.
Q: What do you call a stone-cold killer vampire who has no regard for the law?
A: A fangsta!
Q: Vampires love ice cream. What is their favorite flavor?
Q: The haunted house threw a wild party. What was the theme?
A: The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).
Q: When buying goods on the dark web, what is the safest method of payment?
Q: What do you call a single vampire?
A: A bat-chelor.
Q: Ghosts wear what kind of makeup?
Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers.
Q: What do ghosts order at Starbucks?
A: Black coffee with scream and sugar.
Q: What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
A: Wrap music.
Q: What type of health insurance do Halloween monsters use?
Q: When ghosts rob a bank, what do they call it?
A: A polterheist.
Q: Why is a vampire a good person to take out for meals?
A: Because he eats necks to nothing!
🎃 Suggested Reading: 140 Funny Black Friday Puns, Jokes & Quotes
Dirty Halloween Jokes Reddit
I scoured Reddit for some dirty and inappropriate Halloween jokes, and this is what I found.
A guy walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his jeans. No shirt, no socks, no shoes, just his jeans. People are staring at him, trying to figure out what he’s supposed to be. Eventually, a girl comes up to him and asks, “So… what are you supposed to be?”
Guy: “Premature ejaculation!”
Girl: “Premature ejaculation? I dont get it…”
Guy: “Cause I just came in my pants!”
Upon arriving at a Halloween party, a young lady notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis. As she approaches the man, she asks what he’s dressed as.
He replies, “I’m a fireman.”
“How can you possibly be a fireman when all you’re wearing is a glass jar?” she asks.
“Well, when you break the glass and pull the knob, then I’ll come as fast as I can.”
Q: When vampires make tea, what do they use?
Q: What does a skeleton do before sex?
A: He gets a boner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?
A: A sourpuss.
Q: What do you call a pumpkin that has a habit of doing something stupid?
Q: What did the cannibal’s friend get when he arrived late for Halloween dinner?
A: He was given the cold shoulder.
Q: Why was the skeleton stopped by airport security?
A: Because he was armed with shoulder blades.
Q: Why are girls afraid of vampires?
A: Because vampires are all bite and no bark.
Q: When you goose a ghost, what happens?
A: You get a hand full of sheet.
Q: Why did the skeleton avoid crossing the road?
A: He didn’t have the guts.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the Halloween party?
A: Because he had no body to go with.
Q: Is there a reason why the ghost couldn’t see its parents?
A: Because they are trans-parents.
Q: What is the best way to fix a broken pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A: Bloody Mary.
Q: What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show?
A: A celebrity roast.
Q: If you cross an exam with blood, what do you get?
A: A blood test.
Q: Is there a room in the house where the skeleton does not go?
A: Yes. The living room.
Q: Is there any Halloween costume that doesn’t require a mask?
A: A Karen.
Dirty Halloween Dad Jokes
I hope you enjoy this collection of dad jokes as much as I enjoyed putting it together. They’re not all that dirty, but who cares? They’re funny anyway!
Q: Why don’t mummies take vacations?
A: They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.
Q: What is a vampire’s favourite part of sex?
Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately…
Q: What was the reason for the skeleton’s absence from the party?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
Q: What does a zombie call his parents?
A: Mummy and Deady.
Q: The ghost went to the party for what reason?
A: To booooogie.
Q: What kind of hot dog do you eat on Halloween?
A: A Halloweenie.
Q: What is the theme park ride that a monster loves?
A: The Roller Ghoster.
Q: How can you tell that a vampire is sick?
A: He’s coffin.
Q: The ghost needed a bandaid for what reason?
A: He had a boo-boo.
Q: What do skeletons say when they’re done eating?
A: Bone Appétit.
Q: Why are ghosts such bad liars?
A: Because you can see right through them.
Q: What is the best dessert to serve at Halloween?
A: I scream and boo-berry pie.
Q: What kind of ride does Dracula have?
A: A blood vessel.
Q: What do you cook for dinner on Halloween?
A: Pasta afraid-o.
Q: Why did the ghost eat a vegan raw food diet?
A: Because it’s super-natural.
Q: What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
A: He got repossessed.
Q: If a monster had a psychiatrist, what would he call him?
Q: How did Dracula end his meal?
A: Whine & Ice scream.
Q: When Halloween comes around, what creature likes to play pranks?
A: The Prank-enstein Monster.
Q: In what position did the ghost perform best?
Q: Which French skeleton is most famous?
A: Napoleon bone-apart.
Q: During mealtimes, what do skeletons say to each other?
A: Bone App’etit.
Q: What is the favorite Halloween food of Italians?
A: Fettucinni Afraid-o.
Q: Which fast-food restaurant is a vampire’s favorite?
A: Murder King!
Q: Who is a skeleton’s favorite singer?
A: Bone Jovi.
Q: What did Postman Pat deliver to Dracula?
A: He received letters from his fang club.
Q: Which type of music does a mummy like best?
Q: What food is a monster’s favorite?
A: Ghoul scout cookies.
Q: What is the most popular Shakespeare stage play among ghosts?
A: Romeo and Ghoul-iet!
Q: Monsters play what kind of game?
A: Hide and shriek!
Dirty Witch Jokes One Liners
Below are some dirty and inappropriate witch jokes and one-liners.
Witches don’t fart, they cast “smells.”
Witches don’t wear panties so they can hold onto their broomsticks.
An easy bake coven is what you call a group of witches baking simple recipes.
A witch in the middle of a dessert is called a sandwich.
A pig witch brewing potion in the dessert is called a ham sand witch.
The thing that witches do in the bathroom is called Bippity-boppity-poop.
A country ruled by a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe is called Banarnia Republic.
In the wardrobe, what were the lion and witch doing? Narnia business.
Two witches sharing an apartment room are called broomates.
Witches fly on brooms because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Brrrrrrooooooom Brrrrroooooom is the sound the witch’s vehicle makes.
Witches couldn’t get pregnant because their husbands had hallow-weenies.
A witch who is having trouble deciding which is a good or bad spell is called a trans-hex-ual.
Six witches gathered in a hot tub is called a self-cleaning coven.
Cute Halloween Puns For Boyfriend
I’ve compiled a list of unique and clever Halloween puns for boyfriends and girlfriends. These are not only fun but also really original. They’re sure to get your partner laughing.
A man carrying his wife on his back showed up naked at a party.
“What are you dressed as?” I asked.
“A snail,” he answered. “How about her?” I asked, pointing at his wife.
(The name Michelle is a pun on the phrase “my shell.” I also took a while to figure it out.)
Q: Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend?
A: Because she wasn’t his blood type.
Q: What caused the girl and her vampire boyfriend to break up?
A: She realized his love was in vein.
Q: Why did the girl break up with her vampire boyfriend?
A: Because he sucked the life out of her.
Q: Who did the ghost take to prom?
A: His ghoulfriend.
Q: What’s the best way to invite a vampire out on a date?
A: Just say: “Let’s go out for a bite.”
Q: What made the demon join Tinder?
A: To look for a ghoul-friend!
Q: Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms?
A: Because they’re afraid that they might fly off the handle.
Q: What happened when the two vampires finally met?
A: It was love at first bite!
Q: What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost?
A: You’re the most boo-tiful thing I’ve ever seen!
Q: Why did the ghost go on a date?
A: To take out his boo.
Q: What is the title of the skeleton’s favorite song?
A: Bad to the Bone.
Q: What is the skeleton’s second favorite song?
A: Bone to be wild.
Q: Which play is a monster’s favorite?
A: Romeo and Ghouliet.
Q: How does it feel to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.
Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.
Q: What made the monster go inside the bar?
A: For the boos.
Q: What instrument does the skeleton play?